These are things I want to know, dammit!
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why do they call it a television set when you only get one?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick the Teflon on the pan?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow sign?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why does "food for thought" so often give me a stomache ache?

Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded Firehouse?

If a mall has signs that say "no pets" on every door, how can they have a pet store inside?

So what's bothering you?  If you have a question that's just driving
you nuts, send it to me and I'll consider posting it here.

Like, frinstance, these (submitted by concerned readers):

And another concerned reader (with evidently more problems that I have) has submitted this list of what she calls "Seinfeldians"...

If you need "Rules for Life,"  here are some less famous proverbs for you...

1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. : :

2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't
     have film. : :

3. A day without sunshine is like ... night. : :

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers. : :

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. : :

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. : :

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. : :

8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. : :

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. : :

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. : :

11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
        misquoted then used against you. : :

12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. : :

13. Honk if you love peace & quiet. : :

14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
       popular? : :

15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. : :

16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
       blamed it on the cost of living. : :

17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
        something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
       end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. : :

19. You can't have everything, where would you put it? : :

20. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
       world's population. : :

21. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left
        by those who got there first. : :

22. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. :

23. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. :

24. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. : :

25. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. : :

26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
       bright until you hear them speak.

Here are some things we've learned from the movies
(who says they're mindless entertainment?):

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